Wednesday, January 9, 2008


I've been going through a bit of a rough patch regarding my career choices. I am currently attending Lindenwood University to get my degree in Elementary Education and Middle School Math Education, but now I'm second guessing myself.... I think a lot of it is coming from this horrible feeling of dread I had as far as going back to work is concerned.

I'm not one to sit around the house doing nothing for any length of time. I tend to get bored and am ready to go back to work/school. But, this time around, it was different. I kept dreading the phone calls from Subfinder and thinking, you knew it was coming! I desperately need the money, too. Maybe it's because of my EXTREMELY stressful life right now. I mean, how many people carry an 18 hour school load, plan a wedding (the last six months at that), build a house, take care of a new puppy, and work all at the same time? I really don't think I can stretch myself any thinner and still hold on to my beloved family/fiance/friends time. I am just exhausted! Christmas break has been amazing!!! No school, no work, I could focus on the wedding and actually spend time with my new puppy and family. Oh, and go to the gym!!! Yet, I still felt like I was constantly going, going, going.

And, now I have to add the school/work load back on? Ugh.... I don't want to! And, as much as I enjoy subbing as a job, I'm really starting to hate some aspects of it. I mean, it's flexible - I can make myself unavailable whenever I choose (this can be dangerous) - and the pay is good. I can get experience and its something new and different every day (well, almost everyday). But, it's really starting to annoy me that I constantly feel like the new girl, you know? You start a new job and for the first 6 months you're the new girl. With substitute teaching, I feel like it's my first day on a new job EVERYDAY. I don't know anyone, and as much as I try to, I feel as though I'm not making any progress. Some schools are worse than others, where I go to the work room for lunch and nobody acknowledges my presence and as much as I try to insert myself into a conversation, they don't want anything to do with me. Others are better and will at least talk to me and ask me my name. Ugh... I'm just confused right now.

And then, those thoughts are constantly creeping into my head, "What if I'm a horrible teacher?" "What if I can't find a job?" I am so afraid of teaching. It's not like it's a job where if I'm bad at it I hurt myself or get fired from a huge corporation. When you're a teacher, the future lives of the children in your class are at stake. That's a really big burden to bear. What if I, as a teacher, ruin a little kid's life? Obviously, I want to make a difference and be that "favorite teacher" that gets invited to the kid's wedding when he grows up, but what if I fail? I'm so scared. I'm more scared of this than getting married and buying a house. Becoming a teacher is a daunting task. If there's any teachers out there reading this, please give me some encouragement. Tell me I'm not alone in my little world of confusion.

Sorry, everyone, no pictures for this one.