Putting it all out there

I mentioned in my last post about my reason for the lack of posting. To be honest, this has probably been the most emotionally testing year I've ever had. In addition to our struggle with infertility (which I'll talk about in a minute), we've had some major family issues and I've felt as if my entire life has been ripped apart at times.

Since I'm being so vague about one subject, I'm going to jump right into the gory details of the other. Rob and I want to have a baby. Unfortunately, we've been facing the ugly reality that we needed help. In the beginning, I was reluctant to share. But, after almost a year of heartbreak, tears, Dr. appointments, and disappointment, I've decided that I shouldn't be afraid to share my story. In my journey through the jungle of infertility, I've discovered something. 

I'm not alone.

There are times I feel alone. There are times I feel like no one could possibly understand. But, so often I encounter women who are experiencing the exact same thing. Why must we hide it? Why must we be ashamed? The ability to discuss something so personal and so life-altering is liberating. So, here is my story. I can only hope that someone will benefit from it.

Rob and I decided to start trying to conceive about a year ago. Several things went into this decision but it mostly boiled down to a deep desire to be parents. You can ask just about anyone that knows me and they know that the thing I've wanted to be when I grow up is a mom. I feel a calling. So, we ditched the birth control. To be honest, I knew before we even started there would be problems. And, 99 days (yes, 99) into my first cycle off the pill, my suspicions were confirmed. I went to see my OBGYN and she ran some tests and diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). She gave me some options and said "we can be as aggressive as you want." Well, we weren't in a HUGE hurry, so we decided to try a cycle on our own. With no end to that one in sight (and the thought of ending another really long cycle with Provera - AKA the drug from hell) and with the knowledge of what PCOS is, we decided to at least accept medical help. And so began our journey.

Since then, I've switched to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and I've experienced 6 cycles; 5 of them medicated with Clomid (50mg, 100mg, 100mg, 150mg, 150mg). I've had to induce my period with all of them but one with Provera. I've ovulated once - a cycle which resulted in nothing. I've had a HSG (or hysterosalpingogram and the most embarrassing event of my adult life) which indicated that I do not have any blockages in my fallopian tubes and ruled out that as being a factor in my annovulatory cycles. We've discovered that my husband could possibly have a slight case of Male Factor Infertility (MFI). We've had one cancelled IUI (intrauterine insemination) cycle due to annovulation. 

We are now on our 7th cycle. This time we are seeing if I respond to 250mg of Clomid (since I did respond to 150mg the first time but not the second) and are attempting an IUI again. 

I never expected to have to go this far and the emotional struggle is indescribable. I've spent a lot of time questioning God. If you know me at all, you also know that my faith in God and His will is something that I never question. It never falters. Even through the most difficult times, such as my nephew's heart surgeries, I've always been comforted knowing that God has a plan. But, I'd be lying if I said I haven't been angry with God. That I haven't yelled at Him and blamed Him for my misery. Why would He deny me the one thing I've dreamed of my entire life? Why do people get to experience the joys of pregnancy and parenthood and take it so for granted? Women, GIRLS, get pregnant on accident and are not shy about how unwanted it is. Why must I remain silent about my struggle with the opposite?

I've been wearing the shades of jealousy and bitterness consistently. Some times more heavily applied than others, but it's always there, no matter how I try to cover it up.

And yet, over time, I've grown to accept my plight. I've been placed in this situation for a reason. God has a plan and I take so much comfort in the beauty of His love for me.

I wrote this post quite a while ago and I never got around to publishing it. I still wanted to share my story, but now I'm so happy to share that I can begin a new story now. The story of my pregnancy. It's finally my turn!! We're going to have a baby!!

Sorry

I'm still  here and I'm sorry for the lack of updates. With summer break I thought I'd be posting a lot more. But, a lot of my thoughts have been occupied with TTC and honestly I don't think that makes for very good reading. I've explained my thoughts on that before. It's kind of hard to blog when something so big is weighing on your mind pretty much all the time.

So, I just wanted to post a little blurb update and let you know that I'll hopefully be back sometime soon.

Catching Up

School's out!!! I've been on summer break for about a week now and it has been great. I'm going to try to catch up from my lack of posting (finals and end of school stuff sucked the life out of me) in one post.

• As I've already mentioned, I'm no longer a first year teacher. It went so fast, but it was great! And, even better, I get to teach math next year instead of science! I'll be teaching 7-10 grade, pre-algebra, algebra, geometry, and algebra 2. It'll be fun! Busy, but fun!
• We're going on a vacation in August! I haven't gone on a vacation in 6 years, and that was a short weekend to Chicago. It's not much, but we'll be traveling to Gatlinburg, TN with my family and renting a cabin for a week. I'm so excited!
• Clomid cycle 2 was another fail. So, we're still working with the doctor on that front. However, I feel so much more at ease now. I was very obsessive about it in the beginning, but now I'm truly letting it go and giving it over to God. Trying to keep our hopes up!
• Running has had to been put on hold. I've been having a lot of pain in my right foot from my self-diagnosed plantar fasciitis that was getting progessively worse. So, unfortunately I will not be running the Komen 5K. But, I've proceeded with the 30 Day Shred which, I might add, totally kicked my butt. It was intense. But, 20 minutes isn't too bad and I hear it really works!
• I had my first photo session yesterday for my best friend Valerie. She is expecting a baby in the end of June and we decided to play for a little while. I'm really happy with them! I'm posting a few of my favorites. 

Unfortunately, a couple of the outdoor photos got a little overexposed, but overall I'm pleased for it being my first try! What do you think? Oh, and  BTW, isn't she GORGEOUS??? 

And, speaking of photography, I know I slacked on the last few weeks of the 12 weeks class, but I plan on making them up later. I can definitely see a difference in my pictures before I "took" the course and after. It was really a great learning tool!

Clomid Cycle 1 = Fail

It may be a little early to call it, but I'm fairly positive I've reached the end of my first cycle on Clomid. I ended up having one hot flash in the middle of the night and no other side effects of the medication. Unfortunately, it didn't work. I never ovulated. I feel a lot better now about the situation than I did last week (you can read the post I made on that at the bottom). I was really discouraged and frustrated. Now I just have to call the doctor and find out what to do next. I'm really hoping my period shows up on its own and I don't have to go through the 10 days of progesterone pills to get it to start again. Maybe the next cycle will be a success.

I realized after I started posting about our issues with trying to conceive that I would need to be careful about what I post. I am so happy I have this place to put all my thoughts in order and it really helps during those times I'm feeling overwhelmed. But if we are successful, I don't want to share that news right away. This is something Rob and I agreed on when we started trying. So, from here on out I won't be writing too much on the subject as far as updates. I feel a little torn, because this is my place to share, my place to vent and chronicle things. But, like I said, we don't want to share that news too early. Does that make sense? I backed myself into that corner. :)

Anyway, in regards to this cycle I've come to terms with it. I've struggled with sharing the following with you, for a couple of reasons. One, because when I wrote it, there was still a chance I might ovulate. Two, it's pretty raw. I don't normally share my feelings like that and I still think some of them were unjustified. But, I believe in honesty. This is what I was feeling and I can't hide that. I feel so blessed for the many things I have and if God decides it is going to take a little longer for us to get pregnant, I'm okay with that. I have to be. I guess I was a little angry with God when I wrote this. A little frustrated. Disappointed. I'm feeling better now.

Feel free to read, if you like. I wrote this two weeks ago Thursday, the day I kind of viewed as the cutoff for this cycle. But, if you're not really wanting to read something depressing (like this post isn't already depressing enough), stop reading here.

I'm discouraged. I've been depressed all week. The worst part is, I don't feel like I have a right to be discouraged. I'm frustrated with myself and feel completely selfish. The clomid hasn't worked this cycle. I have not ovulated. I guess I was hoping that it would be perfect, an easy fix. And maybe it will be with the next cycle. But I can't help but be disappointed and discouraged. I know it's still early in the game. I know that I'm young and have time. But, I can't help feeling what I'm feeling.

I have this battle going on in my head. I'm disappointed that it didn't work. That I'm not pregnant. I'm annoyed that I'll be doing this dance again next month. What if the same thing happens? I'm annoyed with myself for wishing the days away until I reach certain "milestones" in the cycle - (progesterone, period, clomid, ovulation?, test?) I'm angry at myself for allowing these thoughts to consume me so much.

I feel faithless and unworthy. If I can't trust God to do this for me, how can I expect it to happen? I want to turn my brain off and give it all over. I want to not be worried about it. I've tried. Women have gone through much worse than this. YEARS of trying and medical procedures and still have no children. What right have I to complain? What right do I have to be so selfish? What right do I have to be upset that we haven't been successful in the several months we've been trying?

And I'm jealous. I'm jealous of the two friends I have who just found out they are pregnant. I'm so happy for them. Truly, I am. I'm thrilled that they are experiencing something so amazing. But, I'm jealous. That could be me. But it's not.

I'm determined. Tomorrow is a new day. God is good. Everything will be okay.

Day 2

Today is the second day of my Clomid cycle. I was really nervous about taking them. The major side effects associated with it are hot flashes and insomnia. So, I had to decide whether to take it in the morning or at night. If I took it in the morning, I was worried about getting hot flashes in the middle of school. If I took at night, I was worried about, well, insomnia.

Luckily, I've been side-effect free!

I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes high. I'm excited, REALLY excited, but I don't want to be disappointed. It feels kind of strange, too, because we didn't PLAN on getting pregnant so soon. But, the reason we're starting to try so quickly is because it may take longer than expected. I'd rather it be much sooner than much later.

I'm having those feelings of breaking rules or something. You know, you spend so long telling yourself that you can't do something - like you've set a rule for yourself - and then you allow yourself to break that rule. I'm having an interesting time getting past that feeling of doing something wrong.

So, operating get pregnant is underway. 10 days of progesterone pills (including horrible back cramping, bleck) - check. 3 days of waiting for my period - check. 2 days of my period - check. Now I have 3 more Clomid pills and I wait. And hope. And pray.

It's all in God's hands.

Downside

The biggest downside to being off birth control? Acne. I feel like I'm 16 again... :(

I'm not sure that it was the birth control that was entirely controlling it, so much as the lack of major hormonal swings.

Anybody have any suggestions? I'm just trying my best to keep things under control!

BTW, Valentine's day was this weekend. And, while I said Rob and I weren't doing anything because of the business, he did make me a fabulous dinner of chicken in cream sauce while we watched a movie together on the couch. It doesn't sound like much, but it was wonderful to just relax together after a long day on Sunday.

Fears.

Since making my previous post, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I no longer feel like I have this big burden I'm carrying around on my own. But, that doesn't mean that I'm not still apprehensive. That I'm not still scared. This whole situation is terrifying.

The decision to try. That first step to stop taking the pill. That was a big decision. We'd spent the entirety of our marriage without this worry of getting pregnant and all that it entails. Then, we took the step. We crossed the line into the world of trying to conceive. Well wasn't that a joke. To think of all the money spent on birth control pills and now we're going to spend money on just the opposite. Ironic. 

Then come the doubts. After a never-ending cycle, the thoughts of trouble started creeping in. Like I said before, I've always had issues with my cycles. But until now, it never meant anything. I didn't really think about it. I've always wanted to be a mom. More than anything. And finally we decided that it was time, only to hit a road block. What if I never get that chance? That scares me more than anything. More than spiders. That's a lot. 

Okay. Enough of the drama. I got past that fear. I talked to my mom. She calmed my fears. I talked to my doctor. She calmed my fears. There are solutions. So, here we go. Clomid. Enter more fears.

When the doctor prescribed me the Clomid, she said, "If you're not pregnant in three months...." Holy crap. That was, like, fast. I got really excited. And really scared. I had kind of settled back into that "it's not possible to get pregnant mode." No ovulation means no baby. Now its real again. It's like going off the pill again. But this fear is okay. It's apprehension. Excitement. Then fear again.

Clomid can cause multiples. My friend is a NICU nurse and she sees lots of Clomid multiples. Um... multiples? Ack! My brain can't handle it! But, again, after discussion and prayer, we were okay. If God decides to give us multiples, so be it. 

But what if it doesn't work? Then what? Up the Clomid? Explore other drugs? IUI? IVF? How much does this cost? How risky is it? When is it time to just move on? 

Then, after all of these "what-if's" have given me multiple anxiety attacks I feel that calm that only God can provide. Just when I needed it; when God knew I needed it, I came across this verse:

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

And I remember, everything is going to be okay.

Operation Get Pregnant

Yes, you read right. Rob and I have officially crossed into the world of trying to conceive. It's a big step for me to post on my blog that Rob and I have decided to try to have a baby. I've been struggling with posting this for a while, but I've decided that this is what my blog is for. The decision to try to have a baby is a very personal one. I had hoped that we would just make this decision, try for a little while having this fun little secret between the two of us and eventually announce here that I was pregnant. But it doesn't seem to be going that way.

We've actually been across the line for a little while now, but it's proving to be a little more difficult than we anticipated. Actually, scratch that. Its been just as difficult as I anticipated (part of the reason we decided to start trying - it could potentially take a while). Without going into gory details that even women don't really like to read about, unfortunately my body does not seem to behave like a "normal" woman's body should. I have never gotten regular periods and, as I've discovered through charting, I have not been ovulating.

There's a big scientific equation behind the cycle a woman's body goes through each month and for some the equation is missing certain variables. My doctor thinks I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). For some women this diagnosis results in the complete inability to ever conceive. For others, it's just a little hurtle. My mother has the same diagnosis and she successfully (though with much trying) conceived my brother and I. It is by no means a death sentence to our chances of conception. But, like I said earlier, it may prove more difficult. Whether it's PCOS or not, I'm not ovulating and that's a problem. This is where the big decisions come into play.

What do we do? Keep trying and hope that I eventually ovulate and we catch that chance? This could happen as little as two to three times a year, if that. This makes our chances pretty slim. So, do we chase these chances? Do we seek medical help? What would the medical help entail? Medication? What risks are involved? So, I enter the world of possible infertility treatments. I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and we discussed my options. There were two. I could continue charting and hope that I eventually ovulate and we actually get pregnant. Or, we could try a medication called Clomid. :::Cue worst-case scenario-induced panic:::

What is Clomid? Clomid is a medication which, in essence, induces ovulation. For many women it works immediately and there is success. For a small percentage of these success stories, it may cause multiples. :::Cue more worst-case scenario-induced panic::: For some it doesn't work. It didn't work for my mom.

After much discussion, Rob and I have decided that we are going to attempt a very low dose of the medication and see if anything happens (we pray that it does!). If not, we'll go from there. Am I okay with this decision? After much thought and prayer and deliberation, yes.

I hope I don't bore you with this stuff. I guess I'm looking to have someplace to lighten my mental load because, while it is important for my husband to know and understand what's going on, no matter how much I talk to him about it I know, as a man, he'll never quite understand. He is trying his best to understand and is doing so well at being supportive. But, I think his brain shuts down at any mention of periods or cervical mucus. Do you blame him? I don't. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to stop reading right now. I'm rambling.

So, here we are. Rob and I want to have a baby. Anovulatory cycles = no baby. And so begins round 1 of Clomid (something I'm still coming to terms with). Wish me luck!