I realized after I started posting about our issues with trying to conceive that I would need to be careful about what I post. I am so happy I have this place to put all my thoughts in order and it really helps during those times I'm feeling overwhelmed. But if we are successful, I don't want to share that news right away. This is something Rob and I agreed on when we started trying. So, from here on out I won't be writing too much on the subject as far as updates. I feel a little torn, because this is my place to share, my place to vent and chronicle things. But, like I said, we don't want to share that news too early. Does that make sense? I backed myself into that corner. :)
Anyway, in regards to this cycle I've come to terms with it. I've struggled with sharing the following with you, for a couple of reasons. One, because when I wrote it, there was still a chance I might ovulate. Two, it's pretty raw. I don't normally share my feelings like that and I still think some of them were unjustified. But, I believe in honesty. This is what I was feeling and I can't hide that. I feel so blessed for the many things I have and if God decides it is going to take a little longer for us to get pregnant, I'm okay with that. I have to be. I guess I was a little angry with God when I wrote this. A little frustrated. Disappointed. I'm feeling better now.
Feel free to read, if you like. I wrote this two weeks ago Thursday, the day I kind of viewed as the cutoff for this cycle. But, if you're not really wanting to read something depressing (like this post isn't already depressing enough), stop reading here.
I'm discouraged. I've been depressed all week. The worst part is, I don't feel like I have a right to be discouraged. I'm frustrated with myself and feel completely selfish. The clomid hasn't worked this cycle. I have not ovulated. I guess I was hoping that it would be perfect, an easy fix. And maybe it will be with the next cycle. But I can't help but be disappointed and discouraged. I know it's still early in the game. I know that I'm young and have time. But, I can't help feeling what I'm feeling.
I have this battle going on in my head. I'm disappointed that it didn't work. That I'm not pregnant. I'm annoyed that I'll be doing this dance again next month. What if the same thing happens? I'm annoyed with myself for wishing the days away until I reach certain "milestones" in the cycle - (progesterone, period, clomid, ovulation?, test?) I'm angry at myself for allowing these thoughts to consume me so much.
I feel faithless and unworthy. If I can't trust God to do this for me, how can I expect it to happen? I want to turn my brain off and give it all over. I want to not be worried about it. I've tried. Women have gone through much worse than this. YEARS of trying and medical procedures and still have no children. What right have I to complain? What right do I have to be so selfish? What right do I have to be upset that we haven't been successful in the several months we've been trying?
And I'm jealous. I'm jealous of the two friends I have who just found out they are pregnant. I'm so happy for them. Truly, I am. I'm thrilled that they are experiencing something so amazing. But, I'm jealous. That could be me. But it's not.
I'm determined. Tomorrow is a new day. God is good. Everything will be okay.