Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Fears.

Since making my previous post, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I no longer feel like I have this big burden I'm carrying around on my own. But, that doesn't mean that I'm not still apprehensive. That I'm not still scared. This whole situation is terrifying.

The decision to try. That first step to stop taking the pill. That was a big decision. We'd spent the entirety of our marriage without this worry of getting pregnant and all that it entails. Then, we took the step. We crossed the line into the world of trying to conceive. Well wasn't that a joke. To think of all the money spent on birth control pills and now we're going to spend money on just the opposite. Ironic. 

Then come the doubts. After a never-ending cycle, the thoughts of trouble started creeping in. Like I said before, I've always had issues with my cycles. But until now, it never meant anything. I didn't really think about it. I've always wanted to be a mom. More than anything. And finally we decided that it was time, only to hit a road block. What if I never get that chance? That scares me more than anything. More than spiders. That's a lot. 

Okay. Enough of the drama. I got past that fear. I talked to my mom. She calmed my fears. I talked to my doctor. She calmed my fears. There are solutions. So, here we go. Clomid. Enter more fears.

When the doctor prescribed me the Clomid, she said, "If you're not pregnant in three months...." Holy crap. That was, like, fast. I got really excited. And really scared. I had kind of settled back into that "it's not possible to get pregnant mode." No ovulation means no baby. Now its real again. It's like going off the pill again. But this fear is okay. It's apprehension. Excitement. Then fear again.

Clomid can cause multiples. My friend is a NICU nurse and she sees lots of Clomid multiples. Um... multiples? Ack! My brain can't handle it! But, again, after discussion and prayer, we were okay. If God decides to give us multiples, so be it. 

But what if it doesn't work? Then what? Up the Clomid? Explore other drugs? IUI? IVF? How much does this cost? How risky is it? When is it time to just move on? 

Then, after all of these "what-if's" have given me multiple anxiety attacks I feel that calm that only God can provide. Just when I needed it; when God knew I needed it, I came across this verse:

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

And I remember, everything is going to be okay.