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Monday, November 12, 2012

#2: 23 Weeks

{Weirdly focused...}

{Just the belly. Love this shirt from H&M's Maternity line}

How far along: 23 Weeks (On time this week! My weeks actually roll over on Mondays)

How big is baby: A grapefruit. Baby's face is fully formed... minus the baby fat, of course. The next task at hand for baby: sprouting two teeny-tiny nipples!

Weight gain/loss: This is going to be long.... I've had a rough couple of days. Been feeling really down on myself. A little back story (because, of course, you would love to be bored by my life some more): When I got married I weight roughly 128 lbs. Not bad for my 5' 6" frame. I've always been thin and I'm grateful for that. Of course, post-wedding I gained the customary 10-15 lbs and weighed about 140-145 (depending on the day) when I got pregnant with Evelyn. I certainly wasn't happy where I was at that point and had just started really working toward getting my weight back down when I got pregnant. With Evelyn's pregnancy, I gained about 32 lbs. I think I topped out at around 172. It never bothered me. Not once during my pregnancy with her did the scale scare me. Then, after I had her, I lost a LOT of weight. In fact, at my lowest I was around 123 which I hadn't weighed since early high school. Hello new clothes! I actually had to really focus on keeping weight on and eating a lot (I was a little sick of eating). 

Then I got pregnant again. And didn't get morning sickness. And was feeling hungry all. the. time. I kind of took the approach that I was breastfeeding and pregnant at the same time and I needed to listen to my body. That's what I've always done and it's worked well for me. Well, the scale is terrifying me right now. I stepped on the scale tonight because I was having a fat day. I thought that maybe I should check the number and it wouldn't be so bad. Wrong. I've gained around 23 pounds so far with this pregnancy. And I'm only 23 weeks! That's ridiculous! I had gained about 5 lbs by this time last time. I'm totally freaking out. I'm feeling like a total failure. I look at myself in the mirror and think I don't look that bad, but goodness, I must be fooling myself. I mean, 23 lbs!? Oof. I have this feeling like I've gotten myself into a place that I can't get out of. Like, what do I do!? And, where the heck is it all at?! I mean, I know my size small maternity pants are just a hair snug, but I kind of figured they'd get to that point. My boobs are GIGANTIC, but that's par for the course. Ugh. I just feel gross. I never put makeup on. I suck at doing my hair. I just feel frumpy. And fat. And it makes me hate my desk job (which I loathe to begin with) all the more. I'm not meant to have a desk job. I despise sitting on my rear end all. day. long. (granted it's only 20 hours a week) staring at a computer - ironic that I'm doing that while blogging? I feel like a big blob. Just sitting there getting fatter and fatter. 

Don't get me wrong. I still love that I'm pregnant. I love being pregnant. I never thought I'd be feeling this way because I know the belly is a part of it and it has never phased me when my brother and dad call me "fat" when I'm big and pregnant.  But 23 lbs!? And I'm barely halfway!? I feel like crying. How much am I going to gain by the end? What if it doesn't come off as easily as it did with Evelyn? I feel like a total failure. That is all.

Stretch marks: None yet. But, I'm sure they'll come.

Sleep: Good. Craving more though. Which only makes me feel more blobbish.

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: I don't want to talk about food right now.

Movement: Lots and lots! Somersaults and kicks. The baby has really been enjoying dancing on my bladder!

What I'm worrying about: See above. Totally stressing me out right now.

What I'm loving: Thinking about the holidays with our little family of three and imagining us next year as a family of four!

Symptoms: Still heartburn. Round ligament pain. Braxton Hicks - early, I think, but not unheard of. I just need to make sure I'm drinking plenty of water. This hasn't changed!

What I'm looking forward to: My OB appointment this week. Hoping she can make me feel better.  I'm preparing myself for her to tell me that I need to watch my weight gain. But, who wants to hear that? Especially when I'm guilt-tripping myself just fine?

Best moment of the week: Making some progress on Evelyn's big girl room so we can move her over in anticipation of the baby!

1 comment:

  1. oh, mama. Big hugs. You look amazing and do not let that scale tell you otherwise. It's okay to gain weight during preg, and faster than the first time around. You were even thinner before this pregnancy, right? So your body might need to gain more, like you said, to provide growth for baby #2 and milk for baby #1. It's okay! You are on track to gain 40 pounds if you go one pound per week, and that is what my OB wanted me to gain each time. CRAZY and scary but it's okay---it will come off, I promise. I understand how awful it is to be uncomfortable in your own skin though. Just keep doing what you are doing and be kind to yourself. As I always told myself, 'I have the rest of my life to be skinny but just 9 months to let this body grow a baby'.

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