Monday, November 12, 2012

#2: 23 Weeks

{Weirdly focused...}

{Just the belly. Love this shirt from H&M's Maternity line}

How far along: 23 Weeks (On time this week! My weeks actually roll over on Mondays)

How big is baby: A grapefruit. Baby's face is fully formed... minus the baby fat, of course. The next task at hand for baby: sprouting two teeny-tiny nipples!

Weight gain/loss: This is going to be long.... I've had a rough couple of days. Been feeling really down on myself. A little back story (because, of course, you would love to be bored by my life some more): When I got married I weight roughly 128 lbs. Not bad for my 5' 6" frame. I've always been thin and I'm grateful for that. Of course, post-wedding I gained the customary 10-15 lbs and weighed about 140-145 (depending on the day) when I got pregnant with Evelyn. I certainly wasn't happy where I was at that point and had just started really working toward getting my weight back down when I got pregnant. With Evelyn's pregnancy, I gained about 32 lbs. I think I topped out at around 172. It never bothered me. Not once during my pregnancy with her did the scale scare me. Then, after I had her, I lost a LOT of weight. In fact, at my lowest I was around 123 which I hadn't weighed since early high school. Hello new clothes! I actually had to really focus on keeping weight on and eating a lot (I was a little sick of eating). 

Then I got pregnant again. And didn't get morning sickness. And was feeling hungry all. the. time. I kind of took the approach that I was breastfeeding and pregnant at the same time and I needed to listen to my body. That's what I've always done and it's worked well for me. Well, the scale is terrifying me right now. I stepped on the scale tonight because I was having a fat day. I thought that maybe I should check the number and it wouldn't be so bad. Wrong. I've gained around 23 pounds so far with this pregnancy. And I'm only 23 weeks! That's ridiculous! I had gained about 5 lbs by this time last time. I'm totally freaking out. I'm feeling like a total failure. I look at myself in the mirror and think I don't look that bad, but goodness, I must be fooling myself. I mean, 23 lbs!? Oof. I have this feeling like I've gotten myself into a place that I can't get out of. Like, what do I do!? And, where the heck is it all at?! I mean, I know my size small maternity pants are just a hair snug, but I kind of figured they'd get to that point. My boobs are GIGANTIC, but that's par for the course. Ugh. I just feel gross. I never put makeup on. I suck at doing my hair. I just feel frumpy. And fat. And it makes me hate my desk job (which I loathe to begin with) all the more. I'm not meant to have a desk job. I despise sitting on my rear end all. day. long. (granted it's only 20 hours a week) staring at a computer - ironic that I'm doing that while blogging? I feel like a big blob. Just sitting there getting fatter and fatter. 

Don't get me wrong. I still love that I'm pregnant. I love being pregnant. I never thought I'd be feeling this way because I know the belly is a part of it and it has never phased me when my brother and dad call me "fat" when I'm big and pregnant.  But 23 lbs!? And I'm barely halfway!? I feel like crying. How much am I going to gain by the end? What if it doesn't come off as easily as it did with Evelyn? I feel like a total failure. That is all.

Stretch marks: None yet. But, I'm sure they'll come.

Sleep: Good. Craving more though. Which only makes me feel more blobbish.

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: I don't want to talk about food right now.

Movement: Lots and lots! Somersaults and kicks. The baby has really been enjoying dancing on my bladder!

What I'm worrying about: See above. Totally stressing me out right now.

What I'm loving: Thinking about the holidays with our little family of three and imagining us next year as a family of four!

Symptoms: Still heartburn. Round ligament pain. Braxton Hicks - early, I think, but not unheard of. I just need to make sure I'm drinking plenty of water. This hasn't changed!

What I'm looking forward to: My OB appointment this week. Hoping she can make me feel better.  I'm preparing myself for her to tell me that I need to watch my weight gain. But, who wants to hear that? Especially when I'm guilt-tripping myself just fine?

Best moment of the week: Making some progress on Evelyn's big girl room so we can move her over in anticipation of the baby!