My Breastfeeding Journey: A Year and Beyond

When I got pregnant (well, before really), there was no question that I would be breastfeeding my baby. As with everything else I've done when it came to pregnancy and parenting, I researched and educated myself on everything breastfeeding related. I read blogs and articles. I watched YouTube videos. I took a class. I knew of all the benefits of breastfeeding and prepared myself to take every step needed in order to make our breastfeeding relationship successful. In fact, it was probably the one thing that worried me more than anything when it came to having a baby. I had no doubts about my abilities to birth a baby, but the anecdotes you read and hear about moms who didn't produce enough or the baby didn't latch, etc. were terrifying. I wanted this so badly. So, I prepared myself for the "booby traps" and hoped for the best. Here's a post outlining my adventures with breastfeeding in the beginning.

I thought, however, it might be helpful to someone to get an idea of breastfeeding beyond the typical beginning troubles. It seems that once you overcome those initial hurdles, it's just business as usual. But I know I still had questions along the way and I never imagined I'd be where I am now. Staring in the face of tandem nursing (dum, dum, duuuummmm....).

There, I said it. I never claimed there wouldn't be controversy in this post! I'm just sharing my experiences and what is working for us. That doesn't make it right for everyone, but it's right for my family and I stand by that.

Let me back up. Start from the beginning - and by that I mean after the real beginning. Things were pretty uneventful for the first 6 months. I was working part time and Evelyn took a bottle just fine while I was gone. I was pumping about 20 oz a day over what Evelyn needed and storing it "just in case." The end result when I finally weaned myself from the pump at about 7 months was a freezer stash consisting of about 3000 oz of breastmilk.

I was so lucky to have it. I was even luckier I didn't need it and was able to gift some of it to a friend. Evelyn was drinking it from sippy cups until about a month ago. Let's just say the the pump and I have a love-hate relationship. I was not sad to put that thing away.

At 6ish months, we started Evelyn with baby led weaning. She took to food extremely well.

{This picture cracks. Me. Up.}

No issues. I just kept nursing on demand and my supply remained perfect. I never experienced mastitis though I did verge on plugged ducts a few times that I had to work out in the shower and with nursing. Weaning from the pump was a rough few days. I went cold turkey and eventually my body adjusted though I did encourage Evelyn to eat just a little more at that time to relieve the pressure a bit.

I continued to lose weight and stuff my face with obscene amounts of food to compensate. I know, rough problem to have, right?

Then, came the day everyone warned me of. Evelyn started teething. And she bit me. It wouldn't be the last time, but I think my utter shock and scream scared her enough to not try it again right away. Thankfully, it never became a huge issue like I know some moms experience, but my best trick in dealing with it was to just pop her off and put her down. She would be mad at me and I would wait a few minutes, then let her latch back on and if she did it again I would repeat it. She seemed to get the hint pretty quickly. I was a little on edge for a little while during that time (I mean, who likes to get bitten?) and just as everything difficult with babies, that stage passed. She now has 10 teeth - two on top, four on bottom, and four molars - and doesn't cause me any issues. It is very true that when a baby is properly latched, the teeth won't be an issue. So, don't let anyone scare you when they say, "Just wait until that baby gets teeth!" Totally not worth the fear.

My goal was to make it to a year. At that point, I would play it by ear. Before getting pregnant, I used to hope that I'd have a huge oversupply and be able to wean her at 6 or 7 months and be done. Wow. Little did I know how naive I was being. How much I would just adore this relationship. How much it would mean to me to hold on to those precious baby moments as long as humanly possible. To continue to give her a little boost in immune protection and a way to comfort her when nothing else works. Not to mention the benefits to my body!

My first thoughts of weaning came when Rob and I started talking about when we would want to try for another. My cycle returned at 9 months postpartum and low an behold, I was ovulating. We weren't trying really and my cycles were getting progressively longer. So, I went ahead and made an appointment with my OB to see, more than anything, if there was something I could do to at least keep things regular without any other interventions that might affect my nursing relationship with Evelyn. Little did I know that at that appointment I was probably implanting. Five days later, I got a positive pregnancy test.

{Hello, baby #2!}

Well, I wasn't going to wean her just for that. I started researching nursing while pregnant and talked to my OB about it. There was no medical reason for me to stop and Evelyn certainly didn't magically stop benefiting from my milk when she turned one, so we kept going. She has slowly dropped herself to twice a day (and not always that) - morning and night. She sleeps through the night and if, on the rare occasion, she wakes up I do still nurse her.

I prepared myself for her to wean because of my milk changing with pregnancy, but she hasn't. I'm so amazed at my body. My milk is now almost completely back to colostrum and ready for the new one. It will continue to be tailored to the new baby's needs so there are no concerns there. I'm actually pretty happy because that means that Evelyn is getting some pretty awesome antibodies and such during the flu season.

So, what is the plan, then? Well, I don't know. Rob, at this point, is completely on board with us continuing. He knows the benefits and couldn't be more supportive and I love him for that. It's hard to say that I would never nurse her past 2 when I used to tell myself that I would wean at 7 months if my freezer stash were big enough to do so. I thought it was weird when moms would nurse their toddlers and here I am. I will certainly be setting boundaries when the new baby comes. His/her nutrition will come first. And I'm mentally preparing myself for the possibility that she could wean at any time. But, I think I'm just going to follow my gut. It's yet to lead me astray and I remain confident in my choices for our family. I also remain confident that I will not be nursing my daughter through college. So, for now, I'm just going to keep enjoying the peaceful moments and making memories of her waving at me and "blowing me kisses" while nursing. One day I'll miss it.

{A little vintage Evelyn from her first swim in April, 2012}

Miscellany

• I love Christmas, but I'm glad it's over. It's like going on vacation but being glad to sleep in your bed when you get home. It's chaos, glorious chaos, but makes you appreciate the routine days throughout the rest of the year.
• I finally got all of my decorations put away. 
• I'm nesting. Bad.
• This is a good thing as Evelyn's room is finally getting some attention and our basement is getting more organized by the day.
• I'm a little freaked out by the fact that I'm having a baby in two months. That is not enough time to get everything done. I'm trying really hard, but not being very successful.
• Rob has been hearing yet another round of layoff threats. This one sounds legit, but when you hear them at least once every four months you begin to ignore them. God will take care of us.
• I don't think Rob would be disappointed to have to find a new job considering how much he dislikes his. Maybe this is God telling him to move on?
• I am finding my job harder and harder. My body is protesting sitting all day staring at a computer. I feel tired and frustrated. I miss teaching. I miss my baby. 
• Evelyn has begun with the tantrums. She's attempting to scream/cry and fall on the floor when she doesn't get her way. Fun, no? At this point, we are both just completely ignoring the behavior or telling her that when she is ready to be kind we can do an alternative activity.
• I'm struggling with the idea of Evelyn weaning (yes, she's still nursing). She is beginning to drop morning sessions and I've noticed changes in her habits as my milk changes back to colostrum (aren't our bodies amazing?). Outside pressures make me question how I'm handling it, but I know deep down that it's a positive part of our relationship and that someday she will wean and I won't have these moments anymore. This may be a whole other post in and of itself though.
• Parenting is hard stuff.
• How the heck am I going to handle two?
• I often feel like I don't devote enough attention to certain activities. I stink at remembering people's birthdays and sending cards. I want to take more pictures of life and keep my photos organized. I want to be crafty or keep my house cleaner but I feel like I can never keep up. I think this is common with moms. But, it's hard when others seem to make it look so easy. 
• Example: I'm 3 years behind on putting our family photos into our annual ornaments. Also, I desperately want to make a photo book for Evelyn's first year, but I feel like I have to be doing so many other things that I can't focus on it. I think the part of me that can't stand to start a project and not finish it in one sitting is my greatest detriment in this department.
• If people call me a procrastinator, I'm not sure what I'd label Rob. His incessant habits of procrastinating are grating on my every last nerve right now. I can't get going on Evelyn's room because his desk covered in his crap is still in there and I, obviously, can't move it. Also, him and trash is probably topping my list right now. Is it really that hard to take two steps to throw the wrapper of a piece of candy away? Also, when I ask you to take the trash out (because you yell at me when I do it - being pregnant an all) that means actually taking it outside and putting it in the can, not setting it in the garage for morning. And then not doing it in the morning either. I might as well have just done it myself.
• Thankfully though, when he does get motivated, there's no stopping him. He's been working hard on the basement and it's finally getting there!

Breastfeeding

I have a feeling I may have quite a few posts dedicated to breastfeeding in the next year. The passion I have acquired for this over the past couple of months is amazing.

Let me preface this with a quick statement. I know (though I don't necessarily understand why) breastfeeding can be a controversial topic on the internet. It is not my intention to make anyone mad. In fact, I'll be one of the first to give thanks to whoever invented modern day formula. There are absolutely situations in which breastfeeding doesn't work and I thank God everyday for the ability to feed our babies - because that is what it all boils down to, feeding our babies. Without formula, I'm not sure my precious nephew would be here today. Oh, and I was formula fed. I feel no animosity toward my mother for it. Love you, mom!

However, there is absolutely no denying that "breast is best." So, just like every other decision I have made in the realm of raising my daughter, I am giving her what God meant for her to eat - breast milk. This is just a record of my journey. Something for me to remember it by. Also, I'm writing this in hopes that my troubles may help someone who is experiencing the same situations as I have.

So, where to begin? Let's start by saying that most anxiety I have felt in regards to becoming a mother has been on the subject of successfully nursing Evelyn. I was adamant that when she was born (no matter how) she would be given the opportunity to nurse. Even if that meant someone had to hold her to my breast for me. I didn't want to miss that initial bond. I know that babies successfully nurse without this, but it was important to me. Thankfully, I had an awesome birth and she was able to be skin-to-skin with me immediately after birth and I was able to try nursing. Except she wouldn't latch on. It terrified me, but my doula reassured me that it was okay. To just hold her close and try later. And, I did. And she latched right on.

The first night was scary as well. She pretty much slept the whole night. Of course, she was tired. Being born is hard work! Again, I was anxious. Was it okay? The nurse reassured me that we should try again later. And we did, and she latched on great.

Then, came the questioning. How long should she eat? Is it okay that she didn't take both sides? Is she getting enough? And, the pain. I'm a total perfectionist, type-A personality. I'm a math teacher, what did you expect? I needed things to be black and white. But, with breastfeeding, they just aren't. This must be my first lesson in motherhood. It's not black and white. There is no definite right or wrong. I think all of this anxiety is part of what led me to the eye-opening situation I needed.

About a week after Evelyn was born, I ended up in the ER. I was having what felt like heart arrhythmia's. And I was very close to feeling panic attacks. I called my OB and she told me to go to the ER to get checked out. This would begin the day that made up for the lack of crying I've done over my lifetime. If you know me, you know I don't cry. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve. However, sitting in the ER with my week old baby being monitored for a heart issue was not what I wanted to be doing. I started crying. I cried because I wanted to go home. I cried because I didn't want my baby to be in the ER with me. I cried because I didn't know if something was wrong. Poor Rob, he didn't know what to do with me. So, they monitored me and couldn't find anything. The EKG was clear. The last thing to check for was a blood clot. This required a CT scan with a contrast dye. Then the world stopped turning. They informed me that I would not be able to nurse Evelyn for 24 hours. I shut down. I refused to think about it. And, I sobbed. I mean, sobbed. I've never sobbed in my life. I didn't really know what was happening. The emotional breakdown I was experiencing was nothing I'd ever faced before. And, I wanted my mom. She would know what to do, right? I mean, deep down I knew I had to get this scan, but the what-if's were awful. What if something happened and breastfeeding was over?

Of course my mom knew what to do. She marched right upstairs to the OB floor and brought down the lactation consultant I had actually seen that morning in regards to a painful latch along with a hospital pump. I will be forever grateful to the LC because she was my saving grace. She spent a solid two hours with me explaining how I could best go about the next 24 hours. How to bottle feed her. How to pump. When I could bring her back to the breast and what to do if there was an issue. All the while, she brought supplies for me to pump as much milk as I could. It turned out that this was what led to my discovery of my oversupply and why Evelyn's latch was so painful. I was much more engorged than I thought. I pumped 18 oz of milk for her - almost enough to last the full 24 hours! I had my test done (which was all clear) and we went home.

The next 24 hours was hard. To hear her cry and not be able to feed her was the worst. Granted, Rob loved to opportunity to feed her. But I wanted my baby at my breast. It was like someone was denying that instinct. Thankfully, after our 24 hours was up, she latched right back on and we've been going strong since.

That's not to say we haven't had our hiccups. She had caused some nipple trauma and I had some bleeding. It was super scary when she vomited most of what she had eaten up and it was bloody. It took me a panicked moment to realize what was going on, but once I did I felt better. Though, I did have some of the terrible mommy guilt about making her sick with my blood-tainted milk... :(

My biggest hurdle has been my oversupply.

This is where I get on my soapbox.

Yes, I have an oversupply. This can cause just as many issues as an undersupply. They may not be the same issues, but they are issues nonetheless. Yes, I am lucky to have a freezer stash. However, dealing with engorgement throughout the day sucks. Balancing pumping enough to keep from getting clogged ducts/mastitis and not so much to cause me to make even more is hard. I pump about 20 oz a day. I often have to pump before Evelyn can eat, because she can't latch on well. In addition, my engorgement leads to a forceful letdown which causes Evelyn to choke and cough at the breast and gives her a lot of gas. I don't get to experience peaceful nursing sessions. They are often 10 minutes of struggling to get her to latch on correctly and eat comfortably only to be followed by 20 minutes of burping and spitting up. So, I understand the hardships of an undersupply, but don't minimize my situation because I happen to produce a lot of milk.

This is where I get off my soapbox. :)

Like I said, the biggest hurdle is my oversupply. It has been such a struggle at times. I am so grateful to have my freezer stash (which is close to 800 oz right now). In fact, I hope to one day be able to donate what I don't use or won't need. Evelyn has struggled to keep up with my fast flow and she's getting better by the day. It has been a learning experience for us both, but I wouldn't trade this for anything.

I guess, as of right now, my advice would be to stick it out. When they say the first few weeks are the hardest, they are right. You can do it. Don't be afraid to seek help even though it may be hard to find. There was a time when nursing was so painful (toe-curling) that I had to call someone but I didn't know who to call. There are people out there who want to help you. They want you to succeed so don't be afraid to ask for help! And, it's okay to vent. Breastfeeding is not always enjoyable. Sometimes it's frustrating. I cried many times. But, it's so worth it for those few moments when your baby is content because of something only you can give her. I love watching Evelyn when she eats and places her little hand on my breast. Or when she is at peace after finishing. It is so amazing.

I have so much more I'm going to add to this, but I feel like it's gotten long enough. Feel free to ask any questions! I know I was rambling a little bit... :)